Gods And Fools

"Steve is good all the time, all the time Steve is good"

Here's the new head of the GAF pantheon:  Apple visionary Steve Jobs.  If there's another god out there who can anticipate and respond to consumer needs with such high levels of customer satisfaction, you show Him or Her to me.  In the meantime, leave me alone and let me keep playing with my new iPhone, the greatest device of all time.  I eagerly await Mr. Jobs' Mt. Sinai address tomorrow. 

Wheeeee!

Sure, it's politics, not religion, but I do mention Shiva in this piece, so I'll post it here. It's my second appearance in this fine paper, after this controversial piece five years ago.  I suppose this one will have many people ticked at me too, but that's fine -- I feel good about the message.  Later I'll show you a later, tweaked version that I'd been working on before I knew the Journal was going to run this version.

New Column

Here's the Providence Journal column of mine, which just ran.  Ash-gar?  Oh well, I'm used to that.

My Christmas Letter

Not sure when my piece is going to run in the Providence Journal.  For now, here's a preview.

Dear Pastor:

I know you’d like me, and everyone else, to have a black-and-white Christmas. But give me a gray Christmas any day, one characterized by mystery rather than dogmatism.

Safe Travels (for a fee or a tithe)

One of my best friends embarked tonight on a journey across the planet, to Mumbai, India (formerly Bombay, before they got all snotty about shaking off domination by past colonizers).

I thought momentarily about saying a brief prayer for his safe journey and return, but thought better of it.  Why trifle the gods' time with such a request, if they're not inclined to keep him around?  And, if the gods need me to convince them to offer him safety, I'm not inclined to get into such a co-dependent relationship; they need to stand on their own two feet, or four hooves, or talons or webbed feet or whatever the case may be. 

Besides, at GAF, we don't play favorites.  But I think it would be a capital idea for my friend to take destiny into his  own hands, by becoming a member and offering a prayer up to our patron god of safety. We can guarantee full protection of his life, or give him a full refund of his tithes and offerings.*  How's that for divine promises that really deliver?

*refundable tithe not recoverable by or transferable to next of kin. Deceased must claim refund within 60 days of accident, or refund is void.  Check your regional GAF office for other rules or restrictions that may apply. 

GAF's New CGOVO

I agree with Andrew that "Betting Bill Bennett" was looking for something more substantial in yesterday's ISG report. So we've promoted him to Chief Gambling & Other Virtues Officer, which will give him authority over all providence, fate and destiny. Don't mis-spend it all in one place, Bill.

[Click image to gaze with admiration at our new CGOVO]

Welcome GAF's New Grand Poobah

Dennis Prager has earned the spot of Grand Poobah of the Great American Faith, the enthusiastic spokesperson for the jingoistic civil religion that inspires millions.  He is also an ass.   I say he's an ass just so that I can be included in his whining about how he's the victim of so many "hate filled attacks."  (It also reminds me not to feel so self-seriously sorry for myself when I get angry letters, like yesterday.)

From Prager:

To understate the case, my last column, "America, Not Keith Ellison, Decides What Book a Congressman Takes His Oath on," seems to have touched a national nerve. It has caused a national discussion -- actually, more hate-filled attacks on me than civil discussion -- and has been covered by just about all major American news media. To their credit, CNN and Fox News both gave me ample time (in television terms anyway) to express my views on two of each network's major shows: "Paula Zahn Now" and Headline News on CNN, and "Hannity & Colmes" and "Your World with Neil Cavuto" on Fox News. And many American newspapers have covered it. In addition, there was widespread coverage on left-wing blogs, which, with no exception I could find, distorted what I said, charging my column and me with, for example, racism (see below), when race plays no role at all in this issue or in my column. For the record, because I deem this a significant statement about most of the Left, I found virtually no left-wing blog that was not filled with obscenity-laced descriptions of me. Aside from the immaturity and loathing of higher civilization that such public use of curse words reveal, the fury and hate render the leftist charge that it is the Right that is hate-filled one of the most obvious expressions of psychological projection I have seen in my lifetime.

Uh-huh.....

 

Extreme God Makeover

To:  GAF@TypePad.com
Fr:  Zeus@MtOlympus.org

I would like to express my righteous fury at your dismissal of my application to the GAF pantheon.  You've tried giving the job to Oprah, you've tried giving it to John Wayne, you currently have many vacancies during the busy holiday season, yet you don't give me a chance.  Clearly you don't know what you're doing.

As for your belief that my relationship with Ganymede disqualifies me from divine duties, you again are judging me by the standards of another time.  It has been said that the whole incident was cooked up as a way to justify the odd habits of the ancient Greeks.  But isn't that the main point of religion for most cultures?  And look, I read the book of Joshua, and it seems to me that a lot of people overlook a my rival god's calling for the destruction of a hundred different towns and populaces due to issues of "historical context."  Couldn't that have been seen as an equally divine justification for some very human foibles?

And anyway, if that god can change and become nicer and more modern over time, why can't I?  Give me a chance.  Update me -- I'll work with you on this!  Think of it as an extreme god makeover. It's not as if you have anyone better at the moment.  Finding gods is harder than you thought it would be, isn't it?

Please contact me soon.  I have lots of references.  And I travel.  Like the wind.  Or lightning or something.

Foley Human, Fully God

To: Zeus@MtOlympus.org
Fr: GAF@TypePad.com

Dear Mr. Zeus: We must inform you that there are no positions in our pantheon available at this time or in this epoch. We did our best to take a charitable view of your shenanigans with Leda, but then we were made aware of this incident, brought to our attention by the boy's father.

We suspect you'll never work in this town again. But then again, considering Trent Lott's resurrection, who knows?

We Get E-Mails

TO: GAF@TypePad.com
FR: Zeus@MtOlympus.org

Dear GAF staff:

I understand my application the GAF pantheon remains mired in HR limbo due to your interminable investigation. I would imagine that your current pantheon vacancies would nudge you to expedite the process, and am somewhat disappointed at the delay.

You did mention that you are looking into harassment allegations involving my becoming a swan in order to impress a woman named Leda. Although some have characterized that incident as harassment or violation, even stooping to use the "r" word, it was known in its time as a master seduction, and this artistic depiction seems to bear that out, don't you think?

I just ask that you judge me by the standards of my day, not yours. I've been taking a look at Deuteronomy 20, and it looks like some of your own Western deities would be controversial if they were judged by modern standards, ya know?

Please get back to me soon. I happen to be considering an offer to be chief god for some Canadian nationalists.